


Mechanisms at Sanremo: what crimes will they commit?

by nonsannochetuseilantartide



Category: Festival di Sanremo RPF, The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Treated Seriously, Found Family (Sort Of), Gen, Sanremo Cinematic Universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:55:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29977002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonsannochetuseilantartide/pseuds/nonsannochetuseilantartide
Summary: Or: when you have to ask immortal pirates to be the guest stars at the oldest music festival in Europe.
Relationships: The Mechanisms&The Mechanisms
Kudos: 1





	Mechanisms at Sanremo: what crimes will they commit?

**Author's Note:**

> When I write I ask myself three questions:   
> Is this dumb?  
> Is this gay?  
> Is this the most nonsensical thing that a person can read during the day?  
> If the answer at all three is yes, like in this case, I publish it.   
> I'm so sorry.

-I swear on everything that is sacred that if something goes wrong this evening I’m going to kill all the presents and make a face mask with their blood- Jonny was always the best at expressing his emotions (that were basically rage, blind rage and homicidial rage), especially when the situation was as weird as the one they were in. 

They have been invited all together to this music festival, this Sanremo, as guests, and if at first they were a bit confused from that invitation, in that moment they were stuck in a little corridor, hearing people speaking in a language only known by Ivy on the stage, separated from them only by a large staircase. 

Two men were speaking. They were laughing. People were laughing and they were there, stuck and fuzzy after receiving a few instructions.

-Look- Gunpowder Tim was literally crushing him against the wall, it was a miracle he wasn’t chocking on his hair, so it was the first to hearing him. -We’re in two-

-Three with me- added Marius. 

-Four- muttered Ashes from the other side of the corridor. 

-I’m here too, you know- Nastya’s voice arrived from an unspecified spot between Brian and Marius.

-Can we try just one time not to come to uncontrolled violence? Just one time- Ivy tried to pray, with the cheek pressed on the other side’s wall. 

A second of silence, the same laughters in the background of their personal inferno. 

-Absolutely not!- eight voices echoed in the corridor behind the big Ariston’s stairs. 

There was a long sigh, at least until a little woman on the other side of the large bluish hole that led to the most total mystery drew their attention, beginning to quickly explain the instructions. 

She was speaking Italian. Rapidly. 

-Ivy- Ashes, glued to the archivist, asked explanations. -What the fuck is she saying?-

-Indeed!- Toy Soldier, a bit dislocated between Brian and Raphaella, nodded strongly. -What is she saying?-

-She says we need to stay calm, trying to smile, don’t insult God and be as friendly as possible- she translated literally at light’s speed, using that prodigy that was his mechanical brain. 

Jonny puffed. -It’s mandatory to smile?- 

-I suppose, it’s the rulowowowo, the wings the wings the wings- Raphaella cursed the amazing idea of...someone of putting nine people (people?) in a corridor, swearing against the Toy Soldier’s propensity to expansionism. 

Because families had to stay together and bla bla bla. 

And were they a family?

Maybe. 

Perhaps. 

Okay, well, they were a group of disgraced idiots that was roaming through space trying to find ways to make immortality less boring, so technically they were a family.  
An ugly, wretched family. 

Toy Soldier tried to move, ending up on Brian one step away from falling of.   
Brian was one step away from jumping on Nastya, that stepped on Tim’s hair, that crushed Jonny’s foot. 

Jonny was about to reach from the gun to put everything in order using his method, when a music of trumpets, applauds and their name was heard from the stage.   
Good thing they were immortal, otherwise they’d all be dead on the spot.

They were pushed by someone behind them, a cork that was going to plunge into that hole of bluish light. 

They held each other, sometimes even immortals feel fear, 'cause if it’s true that families had to stick together, that was one of the appropriate moments. 

They had played in front of many types of living beings over their long life.

Aliens, robots, half aliens half robots, and other stuff like that.

But baloons?

They never performed in front of a plain of baloons. 

Or at least, what they looked like baloons, because the blinding lights of the stage made everything even more confusing. 

At the bottom of the stairs, there were two humanoid figures, two middle age men that were pointing at them excitedly. 

That stair was very high. 

Like, super high. 

And they were so small and heavy. 

And most importantly: they had no idea of what to do. 

-Should we go down? - whispered Brian, uncertain about...well, everything.

-Apparently. The stage is down there- Ivy pointed to the clearing below them, holding the flute that she managed to take between her hands. 

-They are calling us. What are they, again?- Jonny had not paid much attention to the pleasantries just out of the Aurora, so it was all new, for him. 

Like for everyone, at the end. 

-Guys, do we really need to go down? Isn’t there a quicker way to go d- Gunpowder didn’t had the time to finish the phrase that dragged by Jonny down the stairs, taking with him Nastya and Brian and Marius and Toy Soldier and so on. 

The only one smart enough to not lean on the others was Ashes, that was quietly looking at the other members falling like dominoes down the stairs. 

Because try to keep people like that still. 

In the meantime, as you can imagine, Fiorello and Amadeus were down on the stage, looking with both horror and admiration the performers, because the scene was planned and they knew what they were doing. 

They had to call them just because every other celebrity was occupied with other stuff, so they had to do everything on their own. 

Fiorello patted the other presenter on the back, looking directly on camera. 

-They’re doing like Ghali last year!- exclaimed, words followed by a brief laugh. 

But nobody told them anything about that fall. 

And they began to hear cracking bones. 

A neck bone, even. 

But it was part of the show, right?

Right?

It was obviously part of the show. 

They all stood up, even that tiny blondish one who had made a flight down the stairs just like Jeeg Robot and the other one with the wings, now beautifully unfolded.

They all stood up, except the one with the mechanical arm. 

He was there, the neck bent in an unnatural position while all the other members were adjusting each others various limbs. 

Little to say and describe: Fiorello and Amadeus were not understanding shit.

-Is your mate okay?- Amadeus came trotting to what seemed the most normal, the one with the greyish skin that was adjusting her glasses on her nose. 

-Of course. One second…- she kicked the corpse. -A second and our Marius returns here just as new- 

-Oh, I see-

-It’s normal-

-I can imagine-

-Now returns-

-Do you want me to send the commercials?- 

Jonny turned his head, showing all the sharp teeth in his mkkuth his red mouth like a wound in an amused and impatient grin.

-Okay. Perfect. No commercials- Amadeus was a bit scared.

Just a bit. 

Suddenly, the guy with the smashed neck got up, took his helmet, he spat on it to polish it and gave a twisted smile to everyone present. -Marius Von Raum is here, let’s start- he slapped himself on the vest, amused.

Useless to say, every mortal in that place and home was enough confused, but at least the two presenters had to be relaxed. 

-Perfect. Great. Directly from space, the Mechanisms!- Fiorello gave a pat on the shoulder of Gunpowder, to which he replied with a pout. 

Amadeus, on the other side, had already brought the microphone to Ashes, thinking that they was the frontman, but Jonny took it from his hands, standing up with his five feet of glory in front of the public made of baloons. 

The presenter tried to shake his hand, and he replied strongly.

-Jonny D’Ville. Captain-

-First mate!- Ashes corrected him out loud, helping the others to tune the instruments. 

-Captain. As I said-

Amadeus made a big smile, the bald spot humid because of the chilling sweat of fear. -Is this your first time in Italy?-

He never heard about them, he didn’t knew what they were at this point. 

Jonny didn’t even heard him, placing himself at the centre of the stage. 

Ivy was at his side, ready to translate.

-Good evening- he started -we are the Mechanisms and we hate all of you. Coming here was the stupidest thing we’ve ever done, and if it wasn’t for the cameras I’d have killed all of you by now-

-We are the Mechanisms- Ivy had decided that she would do some free interpretation. -It’s an honour to be here-

-You are all shits-

-You are great-

-And if you touch just one more time one of my crewmates I’ll make your head explode and I’ll use your teeth to make popcorns and I’ll eat your kids raw-

-And of course it’ll be an honour to play our songs for all the public at home-

It’s a good thing Jonny could barely speak his own language, otherwise the archivist’d have found herself without an arm by now.

-Fuck you-

-Thanks for the invitation-

They prepared a medley, or to better say, they mixed some of their songs, just to show who was the boss there. 

First time one of the guests presented himself on stage throwing the others from the stage, breaking the neck and literally dying and resuscitating few moments later, it wasn’t a big bother. 

First time one of the guests showed his mechanical heart during the performance, it wasn’t a big bother. 

First time another member of the band set fire to their bass in the middle of the performance, it wasn’t a big bother. 

Amadeus and Fiorello had a mystic travel, seeing those guests screaming and yelling and breaking down their instruments in creative ways. 

-Are we sure we’ve made the right choice?- Amadeus wasn’t that sure about the other’s enthusiasm, happy as a child while he was watching the performance from the focus of the cameras ad a distance of security. 

-Oh, I have no idea. But they seems to be funny, they will make millions for us- he gave him another pat on the shoulder. -I think they’re over, go take the flower’s trolley-.

On the stage, in front of circa sixty million of people, the Mechanisms were trying to rebuild Toy Soldier. 

Because...because yes, come on. To make a good performance destroying one of your crewmates was the bare minimum. 

-Take the arm! The arm!-Brian was trying to take a kicking leg, taking various kicks on his face and trying to the arm that was trying to escape to terrorize the orchestra, at this point conscious to have been paid too little for a thing like that. 

-I take it, I take it- Marius jumped on the arm one step from going in the orchestra’s pit, taking another piece of wood. -Can you please ask your limbs to be a bit more collaborating?-

-I don’t want to be here! I want to go away! You destroyed me, you vile bastards! I hate you! I want to go away!- the wooden head was spinning like a basket ball on Gunpowder’s finger, as the torso was taken by Nastya and Ashes. 

Raphaella and Jonny, in the meantime, were fighting for the supremacy of the cameras. 

-Now we’ll go away, stop fussing- gazing at the trolley full of flowers, the band rebuilt their mascot in the quickest way (to read as: legs instead of the arms and the torso upside down), curious about what was coming next. 

There were many flower bouquets.

They seemed to be tasty. 

-These are the flowers of Sanremo- Fiorello was literally pushed by Amadeus, still lost at the pieces of wood, holding the bouquets. -For the ladies and the gentlemen- 

-He’s saying that these are for the ladies and for the gentlemen- Ivy translated rapidly, taking her bouquet in her hands. 

-What’s a gentleman?- those weird human words were confusing Ashes. 

-What’s a lady?- Brian too. 

-Can I eat these?- Jonny received his bouquet, undecided about eating them or not.   
Gunpowder preceded him, chewing trying to say if they were worth it or not. -They taste weird, but they’re good-

-Just a bit of salt, but they’re tasty- approved Marius, eating not just his bouquet, but also Raphaella’s one. 

-You can’t eat th- Amadeus regretted to even think that phrase, considering the pointed teeth of basically...everyone. 

-Nastya, can I eat yours?- Jonny stretched out for the engineer, that gave her bouquet without many ceremonies. 

-Now we have to go- Ivy noticed a few orchestra’s members going away in the exact instant they finished to build Toy Soldier, taking Ashes with her a murmuring at their ear to go away as fast as possible. 

-And why? It’s fun- 

-Because all these people will die if we don’t get away our idiots- 

-You’re right- Nastya came holding from the ear Jonny. -This cretin tried to bite the bald one’s head-

-This cretin is your captain, so leave me!-

-Yeah, sure- she gazed at the other two, speaking with her eyes. 

-We have to go, bye!- Ivy, following the plan that was formed thanks to the one braincell that everyone shared, began to push her crewmates one after another in the other corridor. 

Just to make sure they don’t get stuck.

Again.


End file.
